"On the Verge of Something Great"

In just 10 hours 2009 will cease being and we will embark on yet another adventure in the year 2010. Oh the adventures had in 2009! It is absolutely CRAZY to me that 2010 is about to start. Where did the time go in such a hurry? I remember it turning into the year 2000 almost as if it was yesterday and already an entire DECADE has happened. Even though I remember 2000 as if it was yesterday, it seems as if 3 or 4 lifetimes have passed to get us to 2010. SO MUCH has happened. I feel as if I am an entirely different person, which is a good thing mostly. So, here we go... On to 2010. Here goes nothing, right? Here's to you, 2009! In many ways I am sorry to see you go, but in oh so many other ways I am relieved that you are over. And here's looking forward to you, 2010! I have a great sense that we as a people, as a family, and as individuals are on the verge of something great. I feel ready and excited for that breakthrough. I also feel a smidge of trepidation, but mostly just a high expectation for things to come. There were so many times in 2009 that I was sure were going to break me, but here I am... still standing, still fighting, still here.
May you all be blessed and prosperous this coming year! It is because of friends and family that I even made it through 2009, so thank you. My life is enriched greatly because of all of you.
Ah, Father, I made it through. So many times I was fearful that I would be overwhelmed, but You stayed faithful. Even when I wasn't faithful. Even when I trembled in fear, You stayed strong like You promised. You didn't fail. You didn't leave me alone. I thank You for the lessons learned this past year, and I thank You for Your goodness toward me. I look forward to what You will do in 2010, for I know it will be great and many will tell of Your faithfulness. I know I still have far to go in this adventure called Life, but I know I can and will make it through as I walk with You. Thank You for faithful friends. Thank You for my family. I ask Your blessing upon each and every one. May there be an abundance of joy this coming year. Thank You, Father...

"Blank and Too Much Coffee"

I can't tell you how many times I have sat down to blog about something the past weeks and been unable to come up with anything to blog about really... Now would be a very ideal time to blog as I have had too much coffee and am completely awake and jittery. I LOVE coffee though. There is something comforting and inviting about it. Plus, it helps keep me moving when I haven't had enough sleep. So, what're you gonna do right?
So, here I sit, at my sister Amy's house, still bundled up in my coat and scarf and in her nice, cozy recliner, blogging the randomness that pops into my head. Who knows where this may take us! :)
Tonight I went to the Noga's (for the 2nd time today actually) and watched the season premiere of "The Real World: Washington D.C." as we have a "friend" (I put it in quotes because I don't really KNOW this girl. I met her a time or two at Rock the Planets in Kirksville, MO, so she is really more of an acquaintance of mine)who is on that show this season who was born and raised in a "sister church" but has found herself disillusioned and hurt by people's failures and short-comings, well, among other things, and who is, fairly blatantly, not currently in church or actively serving God... It's always sad and a smidge astounding to hear what people who have left the church or become disillusioned about God and God-things have to say. Even when I was in Illinois this past week, I had a rather disappointing, sad, and even frustrating conversation with people who felt they had been wronged by the church. Which, in all fairness, they had been, but at the same time, the situation had happened over 5 years ago! Five years is a long freaking time to hold such a grudge. They had some not very nice things to say about a few people and went on to tell me how good they are doing in the church of which they are currently a part, which is great and I am happy for them... But, while I'm not judging the state of their hearts, I just can't help but wonder how at peace they really are in their walk with God... Does that make sense? How can one TRULY be in a right relationship with God, yet still have bitterness and, dare I say, unforgiveness, toward their fellow brothers and sisters in Christ? Doesn't the Bible say you have to forgive in order to be forgiven? And, even if the Bible DIDN'T say that, shouldn't that be the natural inclination anyway as a Christian? I can understand it coming from people who have walked away from God and the Church entirely, but I'm not gonna lie... It saddened me to have such a conversation with people who are actively pursuing God. I walked away quite heavy-hearted. Not only was their unforgiveness an issue for me, their entire way of not allowing people to change was a bit atrocious to me as well. What I mean by that is they were still assuming that this particular church and the people in it were still exactly the same as they had been 5 years ago or longer, which is just simply NOT the case. How sad would it be if it were the case?!?! It is beyond a pet-peeve of mine to have people, in their OWN little heads and worlds, not allow people to change. It is such a misfortune and injustice! Because of an assumption and out of bitterness, they are missing out on MANY great relationships, not to mention the fact that they are completely negating the work of God in those people that has, indeed, taken place throughout the 5 years+ since they last saw the people. It would sadden me to have someone keep me boxed in to who I was even a year ago. I feel I have done so much changing and growing in this past year and it has cost me much. I would hate for people to think I am the exact same person I was even a year or 6 months ago... I am just simply NOT the same. Does that mean I think I've figured it all out and see things crystal clearly? No, unfortunately, but I am in the fight and seeking God... I know that this church and a lot of the people in it (especially the leaders with whom they still have a beef) have striven to change and grow and not do things the same way they have for the past decade, and it is something I greatly appreciate and respect. Have "they" always done it right? Of course not! They are human, afterall. But it is the recognition of wrongs done and the intention of making things right and operating differently that makes the wrongs almost insignificant and the past not overshadow the future. The things done may still hurt, but hopefully one doesn't hang onto or operate from those hurts and wrongs done. Isn't that a part of growing and maturing- not holding onto past hurts and things done incorrectly, but instead loving each other and FORGIVING each other IN SPITE OF such situations and hurts? There's a word for such a thing... What is it? Oh yeah... LOVE. For love "doesn't keep a record of wrongs"... That rings a bell somehow... Where did I read that? Oh yeah... the BIBLE. Huh. That is weird... The entire time I was talking to these people, I felt a bit incredulous and was thinking "Are you serious?!?! A) You don't QUITE know what you're talking about as you haven't stepped foot inside that particular church since you bailed, so you don't even really KNOW those people anymore, B) Where is the forgiveness? and C)How about a little grace that allows people to NOT remain the same?" For crying out loud! We cannot keep people in a little box that keeps them small! If a person is actively pursuing God, there is also a pursuance of change and growth and a hunger to be more like God. And, inasmuch, if we continually keep people small, we are, in turn, keeping God small. In essence, we are saying that God isn't big enough to do the work He has promised to do in people and through people. By keeping people small, we are negating the work of God and HIS ability to work and move. Yes, people screw up and injure other people, but is God not, in fact, able to move? Is He not able to breathe life into a situation where once there was death and destruction? Is He not able to merely whisper and bring things and situations about? Is He not able to REDEEM time and situations? My prayer is this: That we forgive one another. And LOVE one another. And have vision for one another. And have grace for one other. And allow people to change and grow, not because of our faith in each other necessarily, but because of our faith in God and HIS perfectness, in HIS work and ability to move and change things. My prayer is also that those of us out there who have, in fact, been hurt by "the church" learn to mature and not keep holding on to those past hurts.
Jesus, we need You. I don't know what else to do or say except to ask Your grace and mercy. Please help us to see that it isn't the people (flesh and blood) that we war against, but instead "against the principalities, against the powers, against the world-rulers of this darkness, against the spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places (Eph 6:12 ASV)" that are trying to shut us out and down. Help us truly forgive one another that we may have true communion with You. The next time such a conversation arises, please help me know what to say to potentially help change the course of the conversation and maybe even their perspective. You know I tried, but I felt a little stuck, so grant me wisdom and give me Your words to speak. "Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace..."

"Travelling and Sickness"

So, the past few days my son and I have both been very sick, which has put a bit of a dampener on out visit in Illinois with Josiah's family. No fun at all. I'm doing a bit better, but we had to finally take D to the urgent care center here to get his ears looked at and, sure enough, he has an ear infection. Poor kid! The doc put him on a strong antibiotic, so hopefully that will kick in and do its job before we head to Pitt. I hate it when Donovan is sick. He just isn't the same happy-go-lucky kid, and it breaks my heart for him.
This evening, Josiah and Den will be picking Levi up from the airport, so we are all excited for that. Unfortunately, the weather where Levi is isn't cooperating very well, so he's running into all kinds of delays and such. We are keeping our fingers crossed that he will actually be able to make it out tonight! So far, it sounds like he will be able to do so, but Mother Nature may, once again, take control and leave us all helpless. The weather here in Illinois is rainy and not too overly cold, so if he could just get at least somewhere CLOSE to us, he'd be in the clear. If you read this, please pray for safe travels for Levi!
Well, Dora is announcing that it is time to hang up stockings, so I will go for now. Just thought I'd give a quick little update on the going-ons with us since I haven't blogged for a while. Merry Christmas Eve to all! Everyone be safe and enjoy the warmth and comfort of being home with loved ones.

"Beautiful Snow"

Donovan wasn't able to make it out to play in the snow today, but Josiah has big plans to take him out tomorrow and make sure he experiences playing in the snow. Hopefully that won't get too out of hand... Here are some pictures I couldn't help snapping out our back and fronts doors. :) Even if I don't like the coldness of the snow, I can't argue its beauty. I will be sure Josiah takes the camera with him tomorrow to get pictures of D in the snow!

"It Snowed"

Have I ever mentioned how sharp the wind can be here in Ellsworth? Seriously... It gets vicious. Up until this point, I've been in my own little world of dillusion that maybe, just maybe, 40-something degree weather is the worst it would get this year as far as winter is concerned. It snowed a little in October and got down to the 30s over night... All of which I could handle and be comfortable. No such luck! Yesterday, the highest it got was to 20-something degrees and last night, while we were all tucked nicely in our warm, cozy little beds, the sky opened up and dumped heaps and heaps of snow on the ground! For those of you who don't know this about me, I'm rather a grouch about the cold and snow. I don't mind being cold as long as I don't have to be out in it. I love sitting in front of a fire. I love being cuddled up in a blanket. I love being snuggled next to a friend or family member with a blanket. But, when it comes time to leave the front of the fire or crawl out from under the blanket... That's when the grouchiness sets in. And the snow. I think it is breathtakingly beautiful as it is falling, but once it hits the ground and makes for dangerous travel and turns to ugly, black slush... It also makes me grouchy. But this year, I've decided for my own sake, and the sake of those around me, that I would do my best to NOT be grouchy about it and maybe even to enjoy it a bit. A few of the boys around here are beside themselves with the thought of taking my 2-year-old son out romping about in the snow, and that thought makes me smile. See? Already an improvement. :)

"Wow, Thanksgiving!"

This year's Thanksgiving quite possibly topped all previous Thanksgivings. And that is saying something because I've been a part of some fairly fantastic Thanksgiving celebrations. This year, my brother was able to be a part of the celebration again, which hasn't happened in 2 years as he was in the Navy and unable to get away. Also this year, my sister Rachel's parents-in-law joined us at my parents' house as they have just recently become official residents of Pittsburg, KS (Woohoo!). Also this year, I had THE BEST turkey I have ever eaten! My brother-in-law Ryan got started cooking at 4 AM(!!!!) and super out-did himself on the food. We had an absolute feast! Two different flavors of turkey, a ham, ribs, pork loin, stuffing, mashed potatoes... The list seems endless, and I didn't even go into desserts! Props to everyone who provided the feast. Seriously... THE best turkey I've ever eaten. It was so good and just RIGHT to have everyone come together for such an occasion as setting aside a day to give thanks and to focus on the many blessings in life. The day was spent in much laughter and good conversation. WHAT A FANTASTIC DAY! Later that evening, Ugo, Donovan, and I all went to our good friends', the Noga's, house and spent the remainder of the day, again, in much laughter and good conversation. I had the privelege of playing one of my favorite games with 2 of my most favorite people, and had an absolute blast. There were so many times throughout the day that I felt the warmth of comfort and contentment fill my being and I thought to myself, "How incredible to love and be loved in return." Love truly is the greatest of them all (See I Corinthians 13)... The one downside was the number of people I love who couldn't be there to share the day. Micah, Sarah, Ellen, Josiah- You were all missed and thought of! I look forward to the Thanksgiving Days to come. I know they too will be filled with joy and peace and much, much laughter. Wow, Thanksgiving! Wow...

Ah, Father, You out-did Yourself with blessing me! You have filled me to over-flowing and there are not words good enough to describe my thankfulness at all You have done and for all You have given me. Thank You for allowing me to be a part of a family such as I have, both physically and spiritually. You have been so good to me and all I can find to say is "thank You!!!", which doesn't even come close to being sufficient. Thank You for family. Thank You for friends. Thank You for mercy. And, thank You for hope... You are so amazing and I stand in complete awe of Your goodness.

"Cousins and Life's Craziness"

So, tonight I was able to hang out with my cousin, Grace, and her fiancee Levi. Obviously, being my cousin, I've known Grace her whole life, but as we moved away from Wichita when I was quite young, I regret to say that I never got to KNOW Grace really. She has grown into such a beautiful and sweet soul with a pinch of spunkiness thrown in, which makes for a good time when talking to her. For some reason, in my mind, the kids I've seen grow up always pretty much stay somewhere around 7 years old their entire lives, so it's weird for me to be able to have an actual conversation with them, but it's also awesome to be able to hear of the changes that have taken place in the years since they were, in fact, 7. It's incredible to be able to know a person from infancy and see them grow and change into young adults with thoughts and ideas all their own. Tonight, I felt honored to be able to actually get to know Grace quite a bit more and to get a glimpse of who she REALLY is, which is a far cry from who I thought she was or even assumed she was. It's good to get to know people for who they really are, and sometimes not so good too... But mostly good in my experience, which is limited, granted, as I am only 23 years old myself. Sometimes I stand astounded by who those "little kids" have grown into. I recently had a conversation with one of my older counsins and I was telling her how weird it was for me to see her eldest son as a young man. Again, stuck in the he's still 7 situation... Then she told me that it was even more weird for her to see me with my son because she changed almost all of us kids' diapers and remembers babysitting us and when we were born and ALL of that. Life is crazy, I tell you! How is it possible for it to zoom by so quickly yet seem to crawl ever so slowly when you're IN the day to day? Looking back on the past 5 years even, I am stunned by how life has turned out. SERIOUSLY. Married and with a 2-year-old son?!?! Never saw that one coming! Oof. Where did the time go in such a hurry? Makes me curious, and a little nervous, about what the next 5 year will hold. If the past 5 years are any indication, they will be years full of adventure. We shall see, I guess...

Father, I confess the anxiety for the what the future holds and my lack of faith. I don't want to walk in fear of living my life to the full of extent of how You want me to live because of past mistakes and hurts. Please, help me to live with hope and optimism of what You have in store for me. Help me keep in mind that Your plans for me are ones of hope and prosperity, and that, no matter what may happen in the next days and months, that You are in control and You will provide. I thank You for Your goodness toward me thus far in life. Thank You that Your mercy is new every morning and that Your grace is, in fact, sufficient, even for a disaster like me. You are good and You are faithful. Thank You for the opportunity to hang out with family and especially for the time with my cousin Grace. It was rare honor and I know that somehow You orchestrated such an occasion to take place. I trust in You, Father...

"Funny Conversation"

So, this past weekend, I had some family come stay with us in Ellsworth, which was, of course, an absolute blast. It was Joseph, Amber, my sister Rachel and her 2 kids, Hannah and Anthony. One of my favorite things in life is to have a houseful of friends/family or to be a part of the big group of people at a person's house. So, my heart felt all warm and fuzzy that I had a house full of the people I know and love. Feel free to come visit us in Ellsworth! We would LOVE to have you!

Anyway, so, Saturday evening I was in the kitchen cooking dinner for all of us, which was to be chicken tacos. My niece, Hannah, kept coming into the kitchen at various intervals asking all kinds of questions, as she is 3 and, well, that's what 3-year-olds do. And this kid has TONS of questions that just erupt from the well of curiosity that exists in most 3-year-olds. Well, one of the times she came into the kitchen to check in with me, I was at the point in dinner preparations of shredding the chicken, and the conversation that ensued went something like this:
Hannah: What are you doing?
Me: Shredding the chicken.
Hannah: Why are you shredding the chicken?
Me: Because I'm making chicken tacos and I like the chicken to be shredded when I eat chicken tacos.
Hannah (eyes wide and lit with excitement): You're making chicken tacos?!?! I LOVE chicken tacos! Thank you for making chicken tacos!

"Another Windy Day in Ellsworth"

So, nobody ever told me that Ellsworth is "The Windy City" of Kansas. But it most definitely is. I don't know if somehow all of the hills create a current that whips through the town or what the cause is, but whatever it is, it brings about a gustiness that can be down-right frightful at times.

Naturally, because of this windy day in Ellsworth, I began pondering wind. It made me think of the poem "Who Can See the Wind?"... Neither you nor I... I'm sure we've all heard it before. Anyway, the wind... It can be soft and gentle and comforting... It can be cold and biting... It can be a nuisance... It can be a delight... It can take your breath away... It can bring refreshment... How can ONE thing be all of these things? Just one of life's many curious questions...

When I was younger, we lived out on a farm in Arma, and we had acres and acres to roam free and wild. Some of my best memories were made while living out on that farm. There were countless times when I was going through a particularly rough time in life that I would escape to my "secret spot" that was on the furthest hill from our house. It had a fallen oak tree and a small gathering of a few grand oak trees still-standing, but what it had most was a quiet and a stillness. I'd usually take a blanket to sit on, and I would go to my spot and breathe. The stillness would be broken only by the wind... But I didn't mind. The wind refreshed me in those times. A wounded soul is what I was. I wept many a time by that fallen oak. I slept by it. I dreamt by it. I prayed by it. I poured out my heart to God by it and asked Him to take my broken-ness by it... And the wind was my companion. Whether a breeze or a gust... When I wept aloud, my sobs were carried away with the wind. There were times that I'd yell and scream, and all were swept away by the wind... The wind was like a soothing balm poured over my bruised and battered heart. After I had awoken or the tears had subsided or the words had run out, there was always the wind to revive me. I always felt it was God's way of letting me know that He heard, He saw, and He cared... For whatever reason, God isn't on the earth in the form of a human being anymore, but I believe He IS here... Maybe in the form of the wind at times...

"And What a Fine Halloween It Was"

We dressed Donovan up as a lion for Halloween and he absolutely HATED his costume, which is amusing since I let him pick it out at the store... But, yeah... HATED it. He threw the biggest fit I have ever seen this kid throw and it was hilarious! Kicking, screaming, yelling "Noooooo!!!!", and struggling to get free from his father and away from the item of offense. I sat back and laughed until I cried at the struggle, not quite sure why he was in such distress. Eventually, we were able to calm him down with a cookie, but even a while after he had the cookie, he laid on the floor with a sad face and sulked. But he looked so stinking adorable! As we went out and about and from house to house, he caught on quick that the point of the whole ordeal was getting loads of candy and sweets. By the end of the night, he was a pro at walking up to the front door and holding his bag open for candy to be dropped inside it. My little lion melted many a heart as he gasped in delight over the treats being dropped in his bag and when he said a sweet,"Thank you." One thing I forgot to mention is that my parents were able to come to Ellsworth and spend Halloween with us, so it was all four of us adults and Donovan loading into and unloading from the vehicle each time we stopped. By far one of the best nights of my life. It was such a fun-filled night and one spent in much laughter. It also happened to be a perfect night for trick-or-treating weather-wise. It had been about 78 degrees during the day and was still in the 50s when the time came to go from house to house.

Before the evening of trick-or-treating, all of us were able to walk from our house up and down the main street here in Ellsworth and Josiah and I were able to show my parents some cool little places around town. It was such a refreshing day from beginning to end, and one that I will treasure always.

P.S. Sorry about the placement of the pics... Couldn't quite figure out how to put them where I wanted them... Oh well. At least they're there. :) Also, I will create an album of the weekend on Facebook, so be sure to keep an eye out for more hilarious pics.

"Clouds, clouds, go away..."

Why is it that a cloudy day brings about a sleepiness to the day that just can't seem to be fought? Inevitably, EVERY day that it is cloudy, it is that much harder to get out of bed and make yourself be productive. Today is, of course, another cloudy day here in Ellsworth, and I didn't think I was going to win the inward battle of whether or not to get out of bed. Fortunately, I have a 2-year-old son who needed a diaper change and breakfast, so that changes things a bit. :) I've thought back on life and run through the many times I didn't want to get out of bed and face life that day, but I have come to realize that it wouldn't be productive in any way, shape, or form. Problems wouldn't go away, the laundry wouldn't get done, the house wouldn't get clean, and if anything, it would only cause things to get worse. I know that a lot of the times I didn't want to get out of bed it was because of fear of what that day might hold. But, "God didn't give us a spirit of fear..." If I had, in fact, stayed in bed, the problems I was facing and through which I continue to fight, wouldn't have been able to be figured out thus far, and THAT is a depressing thought. I would much rather go ahead and get out of bed and have them get figured out little by little than stay in bed and be in the exact same (if not worse) spot. I know that God is faithful. Far more so than I DESERVE, but since when has God made that the point? His love is unconditional. His grace unfailing. His mercy new EVERY morning... Do these really sound like attributes based on what we deserve?
So, in spite of this cloudy, gloomy day, I will rejoice! The sun may not be shining OUTside, but in my house, I think it's going to be a beautiful, sun-shiny day!
God, You truly are amazing. I am so thankful that You don't do things by what we deserve, but that You do them because of and out of Your great love for us. What a wonderful life to wake up to! No matter the fights being fought, You are worth waking up to each and everyday. Thank You, again, for my son. He is a fantastic reason to get out of bed.

"Another Lazy Evening in Ellsworth"

I love naps! Taking naps doesn't actually happen too often for me, but when it does, I treasure the experience. Today, Donovan even helped make sure I got a good nap in by taking a 3-hour long nap himself. Unfortunately, he doesn't seem to value them as much as I do. I'm sure I was the same way when I was younger, but oh how things change! I know there will come a time in his life that he will appreciate taking a nap. Naps are one of those "small things in life" that make all the difference. Sometimes a quick 20-30 minutes of rest is just the ticket, and other times it needs to be at least a couple of hours. If there is one thing in life I've learned, it's that sleep is a good thing. Getting some sleep can change your entire outlook on life. It has the ability to make a seemingly HUGE issue seem considerably smaller. It has the ability to refresh. Sleep has the ability to restore energy when once there was none to be found... Ah, yes! Sleep is a VERY good thing indeed.
It's Monday evening and Josiah is working until 11 tonight, which gives me the evening with Donovan. This happens a lot, and I love it. I love how much Donovan still wants me to be a part of things- of his world. I've heard this changes a bit when kids get older, so I strive to take advantage of it as much as possible. Anyway, some of my favorite moments throughout the night are when he brings me a stack of books to read with him while he sits in my lap or when he randomly comes to find me to give me kisses or when he brings me one of his swords and wants to have a swordfight or when he brings me a ball and wants to play catch or basketball with me or when I have music playing and he comes and takes my hands to dance with him. I know he doesn't realize how much these things melt my heart. But they do. I love it when I am tucking Donovan in for the night, and he reaches up his little hand to pat my face as I am kissing his cheeks one last time for the day. I love it when he says "Yeah" when I ask him if he knows that he is loved and if he knows that he is my most favorite person in the world. There is something about looking into the face of your child and seeing their love and adoration for you in their eyes. I love being a parent more than anything in this world. I have yet to find anything better or more fulfilling. It is SUCH an amazing reminder of God's unconditional love for us and gives us a small glimpse of how He must feel toward us. How amazing...

"Good times... Good friends"

I just got back to Ellsworth from my almost week-long visit in Pittsburg, and I feel so refreshed and energized. I have all of my wonderful friends to thank for that! I had a lot of hang-out times that weren't even planned, and those times ended up being a few of my most favored memories I took away with me from the week. I LOVE my friends!!! It was, as always, so great to catch up with people and be a part of things again. There was a time in my life that I didn't think I would EVER think of Pittsburg as anything other than a place from which to run, and, as life would have it, it has become quite the opposite. It's funny how things turn out, isn't it? Things are good here in Ellsworth, for which I am thankful, but there is NO place that can compare to a place that has the majority of my family and friends contained in it. Thank you, dear friends, for such a fantastic trip! I love you all very much!

"A Life of Hope"

So much has been going on in life for several months now. Things that have threatened to overwhelm me on many an occasion. Thankfully, I feel as if I can see the sun creeping up on the horizon, about to spill over to bring about a new day. I feel excitement and readiness for that sun to break through the darkness and bring about this new day. I do not know what this new day brings, but I have faith that it will bring with it a glorious sunrise of which I will stand in awe of its breath-taking beauty. There hasn't been a whole lot about which I have felt hopeful these past several months, and to be able to have the feeling of hope in my grasp once again gives me a sense of faith and peace... Hope. It is such a simple word, but the reality of it is astounding. When you live with hope, the dark clouds of troubles don't seem so foreboding because there is an anticipation of when the sun will break through the clouds and you will, once again, be bathed in its warmth and glory. Who knows what the future holds? Even amidst the uncertainty of the future, there is hope. Hope of a new life. Hope of a refreshment of spirit. Hope of calm. Hope of peace. Hope of mercy. Hope for coming out victorious. Hope of never being alone. Ah, hope. Like a soft, refreshing breeze that restores the soul. Who knows what the future holds? I, for one, do not, but in the midst of strife, I choose to hope.
God, grant me strength to hold on to the hope You have placed on the inside of me. In the darkest of hours, help me to cling to the hope of not being crushed and defeated. I know that I will never be lost to You, and that in itself is a reason of great hope. I know that You will never leave me alone. You are my hope. Thank You for Your goodness toward me. Thank You that You don't fail. Thank You that Your grace is sufficient and Your love is unfailing. YOU are more than enough to sustain me, and I look to You, Father.

"The Worst"

So, last week my son Donovan got a cold and had a runny nose and small cough. Well, apparently over the course of the weekend, it progressed and he now has a really bad ear infection to go with the running nose and cough. He woke up in the night crying and unable to sleep. I brought him into bed with us, and throughout the entire night, he kept dozing off to sleep for a few minutes and then waking up crying. Josiah ended up moving to the couch so he could get some sleep as he had training in Salina at 8 the next morning. Anyway, it was quite the exhausting night for us both. The feeling of helplessness as I looked at my exhausted, lethargic son was enough to get me crying... again (those of you that were around me Sunday know what that means). There is nothing worse than looking into your child's tired, pain-filled eyes and knowing that you are helpless to help him. There is nothing I can physically do to ease his pain and make it all better. It is a wretched feeling. Of course, the mother in me is frustrated and heart-broken that I can't DO anything to fix it. I hug him, kiss his forehead, snuggle him, pray for him, and tell him I would make it all better if I could, all the while still feeling helpless. I know that he will get better and back to his normal self in a few days, but oh the pain in between!
It makes me wonder if God ever feels like that with us-helpless. I know He's God and He already knows how everything will turn outand such... But I still wonder if there are times that He feels helpless when He sees the situation in which we've put ourselves, sees us floundering and struggling for a way out, and just waiting for us to look to Him again for help, but all the while still feeling a small measure of helplessness that He can't just figure it out for us. I know that He doesn't and won't FORCE us to look to Him, and that's where the wondering comes in, I suppose. Does He feel helpless during those times that we DON'T, in fact, look to Him? Maybe helpless isn't the correct word for what He feels... Who knows? Just random wonderings...

Jesus, please heal my young son and bring quick relief to his pain. Please, comfort his little body and give us wisdom as his parents to know how to help in what ways we can. Thank You for Your faithfulness.

"The Sweetest Things in Life"

Yesterday, even though Donovan still wasn't feeling 100% better, he was considerably more active than the day before, so he was running around playing pretty much as he normally does. However, at random times throughout the entire day, he'd come find me where I was, whether at the computer or in the laundry room or on the couch or in the kitchen, and come give me kisses for no apparent reason really. Melts my heart every time for sure. I would love to know what goes on in that head of his that makes him do the things he does. So often I wish I could know exactly what he is thinking. I watch him and can SEE that the wheels are always turning in his head, but it's such a curious thing that makes him go from one thing to the next in everyday life. I love my sweet boy and that there is no one to him like I am, his mother. No one will ever take that place in his heart and life, and it's such an amazing feeling. I am Mommy. :)

"Is letting go the same as giving up?"

This is the question I have found myself mulling over the past week or 2... If something isn't working and you just somehow know there is nothing to do to make it work, wouldn't it seem more sagacious to go ahead and let it go rather than keep holding onto it and letting it pull you down? Or is that just quitting? To me, quitting is just ceasing something when it gets tough and not having the gumption to make it through a difficult time. It seems as though there is quite the fine line between letting go and giving up... I think it all must just boil down to your heart behind your actions... Isn't that the case with all things?

" You just never know..."

So, today, I talked to a person on Facebook that I haven't seen or talked to in about 16 YEARS(!!!!). Sixteen years ago, my family still lived in Wichita, KS. I was 7 years old. Mostly, my memories are vague at best from my childhood, but I do remember living in a duplex next to the Greens. We used to knock on the wall, as the walls in duplexes tend to be about as thick as a sheet of paper, in "secret code" and talk to each other, even when we weren't supposed to be doing so. I remember building forts for our Barbies and then blowing up our Barbies and their houses with Zac and Gabe, which is the closest we ever came to playing with dolls and Barbies. So, all of us Sterrett girls were a bit tomboy-ish. :) I'm sure if you ask my older siblings, they could tell you more stories of our antics with the neighbor boys, but those are the few that I remember. Oh yeah, and the time us Sterrett sibs got the genius idea to egg the Green's tree in the front yard, which was actually kind of our tree as well since we lived in the same duplex and had a bit of a "joint" front yard. Hahahahaha! Good one! Anyway, back to my original thought process... So, I haven't talked to this person for almost 2 decades. It feels like a number of lifetimes have passed since that time. I've never forgotten about the Greens, but with the business of life and with it's taking you nowhere you planned to go when you were 7, well... you just lose contact. Which is a bit of a misfortune, truth be told. Zac (the older of the Green boys who is my sister Andrea's age) was the closest thing I had to an older brother, and I feel I should grieve for the years lost, as they are many. I am thankful for the bit of "re-uniting" that has happened though.
All this to say... Let us not take for granted the people who are in our lives now. You never know what will happen in life to take you away from those people. And maybe it won't be for years that you're not with them, but it's easy to lose contact when you aren't day-in and day-out with your friends and family.

God, please help me to cherish every moment with my friends and family. I know, for me, life seems to go by in such a hurry and, oftentimes, so many opportunities have passed before I have even had the chance to recognize them for what they were. I want to appreciate the people in my life and I don't want to waste my time on trivial things when I am with them. Help me to recognize significant moments as they come... Thank You, Father, for my family and my friends, who are equally my family. I truly am blessed. I now recognize relationships as Your goodness to me. Help me to not lose sight of that.

'Ah, the Joys of Motherhood"

To those of you who have seen my son, Donovan, you know just by looking at him that he likes to eat. He enjoys eating pretty much anything in sight, so I endeavor to keep everything in our pantry so it's out of sight and out of mind, which works only mostly. Oh well. What're you gonna do, right? Anyway, so during our last visit to Pittsburg, we discovered (thanks to Grammy) just how much he likes bananas. So, of course, when we got home, I went and bought him some bananas for breakfast and such. Little did I know just how quickly that bunch of bananas would be devoured. This kid LOVES bananas!!!! This morning when he woke up, I did our usual routine of going in to get him (good step #1), throwing his blankets and pillow BACK into his bed, changing his diaper, and so forth until we reached the time he'd been waiting for all morning... It was time to eat. I put him up in his highchair and got him some juice and went to go get him a banana and some cereal. As I walked into the living room with the banana, his big, brown eyes opened wide and his mouth formed an "O" and he started clapping! Who claps for bananas?!?!? As a banana-disliker (nice word, I know, but it's more polite than saying a banana-hater), I certainly don't clap for bananas. But my son does. Later today, when he was hungry for a snack, he, of course, wanted a banana, so I was teaching him to say "buh-nan-uh, please". He has the "please" part down, but getting him to say "banana" was turning out to be quite the feat when all he wanted to do was EAT the banana and not SAY banana. Finally though, as I was exaggerating the pronunciation of "banana" we would get all the way through the "buh" and pause until he repeated it, "nan" part, again pausing until he repeated it, and then "uh" part, again with the pause, until he had repeated the entire word with the pauses among syllables until it was time to say the entire word with no pauses- "banana." But, he'd get so excited and ahead of himself that he would just laugh at MY saying the word "banana" and say "huh, please?" Oh well, I guess. Maybe later... Soon after he had devoured yet another banana, he wanted some crackers, but I was in the kitchen rinsing dishes and didn't hear about what he was saying please. Well, apparently he'd been repeating himself for a while saying "please" because he turned it into a song. So, he'd sing," Crackeeeeerrrrrrsssssss, pleeeeeeeeaaaaasssseeeee, PLEEEAAAASSSSEEEE." And then he'd repeat the word "please" several times after and then resume his song. To see his little face singing his song and then repeating "please" a zillion times... What to do with such cuteness.

I will post pictures of him with a yellow banana soon. I am still trying to figure this things out...

Alone and Lonely

Donovan is in his bed sleeping and Josiah went to work a few minutes ago. I am sitting at the computer reading my friends' blogs and have found myself crying. The past several months have been ones that I would not care to repeat, and in the midst of the trying times, I have found myself yelling at God that I miss my friends! I miss my family! I miss BEING A PART of a group of people intent on living wholesome and right lives. I miss being a part of things period... This past trip to Pittsburg I left with a profound sense of sadness knowing I was leaving where I belong. I am trying so hard to be content with where we are here in Ellsworth, but am having the hardest time making my attitude catch up to my thoughts. Loneliness is a horrid feeling, and one that has been a rare occurance in my lifetime, what with 5 siblings and an incredible amount of cousins and aunts and uncles... Yeah, not so much in the lonely department. There were times when I felt lost in the crowd, unsure of where or how I fit in, but never really lonely. I so much crave an adult conversation, as the people here I talk to the most are all in highschool and, no offense to them, but the unsatiated need for drama wears me out! The problems of everyday highschool life are not ones that I care to concern myself with unless, of course, there is a serious problem and they need a big sister. That is something with which I can deal. Sometimes it is nice to feel needed.
To all of my friends in Pitt and spread abroad: I miss you and love you. I appreciate your friendship and look forward to the time I will see you next.

God, please help with my attitude. I know that it needs adjusted, but am having a hard time of it myself. Please help me be able to focus on You and be looking for every opportunity to make the best of each day. I'm sorry for my discontentment and want to learn to have peace and joy WHEREVER I may be. Thank You for Your grace and mercy. Thank You for my son, who is a joy and the best reason to get out of bed every day. You are amazing, God, and I know that You have a reason for where I am. Help me to accomplish all You have planned while we are here, no matter how long that is. I need Your help, Lord. My strength is insufficient, but I know that You are more than enough for me...

"Random... I know..."

I've thought many a time about writing about life, whether on paper or on my computer somehow, and with everything that has been going on, I decided now is as good a time as any. So... here goes...
To those of you (if there are any) crazy enough to actually read this: I apologize in advance for the random and, more than likely, distraught thoughts I am about to take from thoughts and put to words...
My son, Donovan, just turned 2 on Sunday, September 6th. Saturday night as I tucked him in for bed, I found myself looking down at his tired little face and wondering where the time went in such a hurry. I leaned over the side of his bed, stroked his hair and his face, and told him, as I do every night when I tuck him in, that I love him more than anything else in this whole world and that he is, by far, my most favorite person. He did his usual smile with his confident "Yeah" and pulled his favorite blanket up to his chin and closed his eyes, completely at peace knowing that he is loved and means more to his mommy than anyone else in the whole world. As I walked out of the room, I wiped away the tears I found making a trail down my face and begged God to let me figure out how to obtain that same level of peace and contentment in knowing how loved I am by Him. I know I make it so complex and, even in knowing that, I can't seem to figure out how to simplify it. Why is it so hard to be completely sure of God's love? As I read the Bible and hear others talk about God's love, it SEEMS so simple and yet, everyday I walk through life sure of my failures and disappointing God and others around me and UNsure of God's love in spite of those things. How do I change that? How do I walk in confidence of God's unconditional love instead of laden with the guilt and shame of my failings and short-comings? Looking at my son and seeing his peace, I guess to some extent I can understand unconditional love, because I know that, absolutely no matter what Donovan does that day, I will ALWAYS love him and there is nothing he will do in his lifetime to change that, but my screw-ups seem so much more harsh and unforgivable in comparison to whatever Donovan may have done that day to earn a spanking or a time-out or reprimand... How does one get to the place of living simply in the grace and love of God that is being poured out by God Himself each and every day? How does one learn to live not under the shame and guilt of faults, but under His mercy?

Ah, Heavenly Father, I thank You so much for my son, Donovan. He has been an incredible blessing and a reminder of Your goodness every day. I also thank You for Your Son and for the blood that He poured out to make the way for us to be able to have You.
I find my mind always at war, Lord, trying to sift through life and all it throws at me. I can see so clearly the mistakes made throughout the day and it's so easy to be blinded and discouraged by those things. But I don't want to live under the guilt and shame of those mistakes. Teach me to walk with confidence in Your love and Your unfailing grace, God. In my HEAD it's so easy to know that You love me and there's nothing I could ever do to change that, but it seems impossible to convince my heart of those things. I think that, if I learned to function and move and breathe and think out of truly knowing You and Your love for me, I could probably change the world... Please redeem lost time and help me to look hopefully and confidently to the future.