"Clouds, clouds, go away..."

Why is it that a cloudy day brings about a sleepiness to the day that just can't seem to be fought? Inevitably, EVERY day that it is cloudy, it is that much harder to get out of bed and make yourself be productive. Today is, of course, another cloudy day here in Ellsworth, and I didn't think I was going to win the inward battle of whether or not to get out of bed. Fortunately, I have a 2-year-old son who needed a diaper change and breakfast, so that changes things a bit. :) I've thought back on life and run through the many times I didn't want to get out of bed and face life that day, but I have come to realize that it wouldn't be productive in any way, shape, or form. Problems wouldn't go away, the laundry wouldn't get done, the house wouldn't get clean, and if anything, it would only cause things to get worse. I know that a lot of the times I didn't want to get out of bed it was because of fear of what that day might hold. But, "God didn't give us a spirit of fear..." If I had, in fact, stayed in bed, the problems I was facing and through which I continue to fight, wouldn't have been able to be figured out thus far, and THAT is a depressing thought. I would much rather go ahead and get out of bed and have them get figured out little by little than stay in bed and be in the exact same (if not worse) spot. I know that God is faithful. Far more so than I DESERVE, but since when has God made that the point? His love is unconditional. His grace unfailing. His mercy new EVERY morning... Do these really sound like attributes based on what we deserve?
So, in spite of this cloudy, gloomy day, I will rejoice! The sun may not be shining OUTside, but in my house, I think it's going to be a beautiful, sun-shiny day!
God, You truly are amazing. I am so thankful that You don't do things by what we deserve, but that You do them because of and out of Your great love for us. What a wonderful life to wake up to! No matter the fights being fought, You are worth waking up to each and everyday. Thank You, again, for my son. He is a fantastic reason to get out of bed.

"Another Lazy Evening in Ellsworth"

I love naps! Taking naps doesn't actually happen too often for me, but when it does, I treasure the experience. Today, Donovan even helped make sure I got a good nap in by taking a 3-hour long nap himself. Unfortunately, he doesn't seem to value them as much as I do. I'm sure I was the same way when I was younger, but oh how things change! I know there will come a time in his life that he will appreciate taking a nap. Naps are one of those "small things in life" that make all the difference. Sometimes a quick 20-30 minutes of rest is just the ticket, and other times it needs to be at least a couple of hours. If there is one thing in life I've learned, it's that sleep is a good thing. Getting some sleep can change your entire outlook on life. It has the ability to make a seemingly HUGE issue seem considerably smaller. It has the ability to refresh. Sleep has the ability to restore energy when once there was none to be found... Ah, yes! Sleep is a VERY good thing indeed.
It's Monday evening and Josiah is working until 11 tonight, which gives me the evening with Donovan. This happens a lot, and I love it. I love how much Donovan still wants me to be a part of things- of his world. I've heard this changes a bit when kids get older, so I strive to take advantage of it as much as possible. Anyway, some of my favorite moments throughout the night are when he brings me a stack of books to read with him while he sits in my lap or when he randomly comes to find me to give me kisses or when he brings me one of his swords and wants to have a swordfight or when he brings me a ball and wants to play catch or basketball with me or when I have music playing and he comes and takes my hands to dance with him. I know he doesn't realize how much these things melt my heart. But they do. I love it when I am tucking Donovan in for the night, and he reaches up his little hand to pat my face as I am kissing his cheeks one last time for the day. I love it when he says "Yeah" when I ask him if he knows that he is loved and if he knows that he is my most favorite person in the world. There is something about looking into the face of your child and seeing their love and adoration for you in their eyes. I love being a parent more than anything in this world. I have yet to find anything better or more fulfilling. It is SUCH an amazing reminder of God's unconditional love for us and gives us a small glimpse of how He must feel toward us. How amazing...

"Good times... Good friends"

I just got back to Ellsworth from my almost week-long visit in Pittsburg, and I feel so refreshed and energized. I have all of my wonderful friends to thank for that! I had a lot of hang-out times that weren't even planned, and those times ended up being a few of my most favored memories I took away with me from the week. I LOVE my friends!!! It was, as always, so great to catch up with people and be a part of things again. There was a time in my life that I didn't think I would EVER think of Pittsburg as anything other than a place from which to run, and, as life would have it, it has become quite the opposite. It's funny how things turn out, isn't it? Things are good here in Ellsworth, for which I am thankful, but there is NO place that can compare to a place that has the majority of my family and friends contained in it. Thank you, dear friends, for such a fantastic trip! I love you all very much!

"A Life of Hope"

So much has been going on in life for several months now. Things that have threatened to overwhelm me on many an occasion. Thankfully, I feel as if I can see the sun creeping up on the horizon, about to spill over to bring about a new day. I feel excitement and readiness for that sun to break through the darkness and bring about this new day. I do not know what this new day brings, but I have faith that it will bring with it a glorious sunrise of which I will stand in awe of its breath-taking beauty. There hasn't been a whole lot about which I have felt hopeful these past several months, and to be able to have the feeling of hope in my grasp once again gives me a sense of faith and peace... Hope. It is such a simple word, but the reality of it is astounding. When you live with hope, the dark clouds of troubles don't seem so foreboding because there is an anticipation of when the sun will break through the clouds and you will, once again, be bathed in its warmth and glory. Who knows what the future holds? Even amidst the uncertainty of the future, there is hope. Hope of a new life. Hope of a refreshment of spirit. Hope of calm. Hope of peace. Hope of mercy. Hope for coming out victorious. Hope of never being alone. Ah, hope. Like a soft, refreshing breeze that restores the soul. Who knows what the future holds? I, for one, do not, but in the midst of strife, I choose to hope.
God, grant me strength to hold on to the hope You have placed on the inside of me. In the darkest of hours, help me to cling to the hope of not being crushed and defeated. I know that I will never be lost to You, and that in itself is a reason of great hope. I know that You will never leave me alone. You are my hope. Thank You for Your goodness toward me. Thank You that You don't fail. Thank You that Your grace is sufficient and Your love is unfailing. YOU are more than enough to sustain me, and I look to You, Father.

"The Worst"

So, last week my son Donovan got a cold and had a runny nose and small cough. Well, apparently over the course of the weekend, it progressed and he now has a really bad ear infection to go with the running nose and cough. He woke up in the night crying and unable to sleep. I brought him into bed with us, and throughout the entire night, he kept dozing off to sleep for a few minutes and then waking up crying. Josiah ended up moving to the couch so he could get some sleep as he had training in Salina at 8 the next morning. Anyway, it was quite the exhausting night for us both. The feeling of helplessness as I looked at my exhausted, lethargic son was enough to get me crying... again (those of you that were around me Sunday know what that means). There is nothing worse than looking into your child's tired, pain-filled eyes and knowing that you are helpless to help him. There is nothing I can physically do to ease his pain and make it all better. It is a wretched feeling. Of course, the mother in me is frustrated and heart-broken that I can't DO anything to fix it. I hug him, kiss his forehead, snuggle him, pray for him, and tell him I would make it all better if I could, all the while still feeling helpless. I know that he will get better and back to his normal self in a few days, but oh the pain in between!
It makes me wonder if God ever feels like that with us-helpless. I know He's God and He already knows how everything will turn outand such... But I still wonder if there are times that He feels helpless when He sees the situation in which we've put ourselves, sees us floundering and struggling for a way out, and just waiting for us to look to Him again for help, but all the while still feeling a small measure of helplessness that He can't just figure it out for us. I know that He doesn't and won't FORCE us to look to Him, and that's where the wondering comes in, I suppose. Does He feel helpless during those times that we DON'T, in fact, look to Him? Maybe helpless isn't the correct word for what He feels... Who knows? Just random wonderings...

Jesus, please heal my young son and bring quick relief to his pain. Please, comfort his little body and give us wisdom as his parents to know how to help in what ways we can. Thank You for Your faithfulness.

"The Sweetest Things in Life"

Yesterday, even though Donovan still wasn't feeling 100% better, he was considerably more active than the day before, so he was running around playing pretty much as he normally does. However, at random times throughout the entire day, he'd come find me where I was, whether at the computer or in the laundry room or on the couch or in the kitchen, and come give me kisses for no apparent reason really. Melts my heart every time for sure. I would love to know what goes on in that head of his that makes him do the things he does. So often I wish I could know exactly what he is thinking. I watch him and can SEE that the wheels are always turning in his head, but it's such a curious thing that makes him go from one thing to the next in everyday life. I love my sweet boy and that there is no one to him like I am, his mother. No one will ever take that place in his heart and life, and it's such an amazing feeling. I am Mommy. :)