"Is letting go the same as giving up?"

This is the question I have found myself mulling over the past week or 2... If something isn't working and you just somehow know there is nothing to do to make it work, wouldn't it seem more sagacious to go ahead and let it go rather than keep holding onto it and letting it pull you down? Or is that just quitting? To me, quitting is just ceasing something when it gets tough and not having the gumption to make it through a difficult time. It seems as though there is quite the fine line between letting go and giving up... I think it all must just boil down to your heart behind your actions... Isn't that the case with all things?

" You just never know..."

So, today, I talked to a person on Facebook that I haven't seen or talked to in about 16 YEARS(!!!!). Sixteen years ago, my family still lived in Wichita, KS. I was 7 years old. Mostly, my memories are vague at best from my childhood, but I do remember living in a duplex next to the Greens. We used to knock on the wall, as the walls in duplexes tend to be about as thick as a sheet of paper, in "secret code" and talk to each other, even when we weren't supposed to be doing so. I remember building forts for our Barbies and then blowing up our Barbies and their houses with Zac and Gabe, which is the closest we ever came to playing with dolls and Barbies. So, all of us Sterrett girls were a bit tomboy-ish. :) I'm sure if you ask my older siblings, they could tell you more stories of our antics with the neighbor boys, but those are the few that I remember. Oh yeah, and the time us Sterrett sibs got the genius idea to egg the Green's tree in the front yard, which was actually kind of our tree as well since we lived in the same duplex and had a bit of a "joint" front yard. Hahahahaha! Good one! Anyway, back to my original thought process... So, I haven't talked to this person for almost 2 decades. It feels like a number of lifetimes have passed since that time. I've never forgotten about the Greens, but with the business of life and with it's taking you nowhere you planned to go when you were 7, well... you just lose contact. Which is a bit of a misfortune, truth be told. Zac (the older of the Green boys who is my sister Andrea's age) was the closest thing I had to an older brother, and I feel I should grieve for the years lost, as they are many. I am thankful for the bit of "re-uniting" that has happened though.
All this to say... Let us not take for granted the people who are in our lives now. You never know what will happen in life to take you away from those people. And maybe it won't be for years that you're not with them, but it's easy to lose contact when you aren't day-in and day-out with your friends and family.

God, please help me to cherish every moment with my friends and family. I know, for me, life seems to go by in such a hurry and, oftentimes, so many opportunities have passed before I have even had the chance to recognize them for what they were. I want to appreciate the people in my life and I don't want to waste my time on trivial things when I am with them. Help me to recognize significant moments as they come... Thank You, Father, for my family and my friends, who are equally my family. I truly am blessed. I now recognize relationships as Your goodness to me. Help me to not lose sight of that.

'Ah, the Joys of Motherhood"

To those of you who have seen my son, Donovan, you know just by looking at him that he likes to eat. He enjoys eating pretty much anything in sight, so I endeavor to keep everything in our pantry so it's out of sight and out of mind, which works only mostly. Oh well. What're you gonna do, right? Anyway, so during our last visit to Pittsburg, we discovered (thanks to Grammy) just how much he likes bananas. So, of course, when we got home, I went and bought him some bananas for breakfast and such. Little did I know just how quickly that bunch of bananas would be devoured. This kid LOVES bananas!!!! This morning when he woke up, I did our usual routine of going in to get him (good step #1), throwing his blankets and pillow BACK into his bed, changing his diaper, and so forth until we reached the time he'd been waiting for all morning... It was time to eat. I put him up in his highchair and got him some juice and went to go get him a banana and some cereal. As I walked into the living room with the banana, his big, brown eyes opened wide and his mouth formed an "O" and he started clapping! Who claps for bananas?!?!? As a banana-disliker (nice word, I know, but it's more polite than saying a banana-hater), I certainly don't clap for bananas. But my son does. Later today, when he was hungry for a snack, he, of course, wanted a banana, so I was teaching him to say "buh-nan-uh, please". He has the "please" part down, but getting him to say "banana" was turning out to be quite the feat when all he wanted to do was EAT the banana and not SAY banana. Finally though, as I was exaggerating the pronunciation of "banana" we would get all the way through the "buh" and pause until he repeated it, "nan" part, again pausing until he repeated it, and then "uh" part, again with the pause, until he had repeated the entire word with the pauses among syllables until it was time to say the entire word with no pauses- "banana." But, he'd get so excited and ahead of himself that he would just laugh at MY saying the word "banana" and say "huh, please?" Oh well, I guess. Maybe later... Soon after he had devoured yet another banana, he wanted some crackers, but I was in the kitchen rinsing dishes and didn't hear about what he was saying please. Well, apparently he'd been repeating himself for a while saying "please" because he turned it into a song. So, he'd sing," Crackeeeeerrrrrrsssssss, pleeeeeeeeaaaaasssseeeee, PLEEEAAAASSSSEEEE." And then he'd repeat the word "please" several times after and then resume his song. To see his little face singing his song and then repeating "please" a zillion times... What to do with such cuteness.

I will post pictures of him with a yellow banana soon. I am still trying to figure this things out...

Alone and Lonely

Donovan is in his bed sleeping and Josiah went to work a few minutes ago. I am sitting at the computer reading my friends' blogs and have found myself crying. The past several months have been ones that I would not care to repeat, and in the midst of the trying times, I have found myself yelling at God that I miss my friends! I miss my family! I miss BEING A PART of a group of people intent on living wholesome and right lives. I miss being a part of things period... This past trip to Pittsburg I left with a profound sense of sadness knowing I was leaving where I belong. I am trying so hard to be content with where we are here in Ellsworth, but am having the hardest time making my attitude catch up to my thoughts. Loneliness is a horrid feeling, and one that has been a rare occurance in my lifetime, what with 5 siblings and an incredible amount of cousins and aunts and uncles... Yeah, not so much in the lonely department. There were times when I felt lost in the crowd, unsure of where or how I fit in, but never really lonely. I so much crave an adult conversation, as the people here I talk to the most are all in highschool and, no offense to them, but the unsatiated need for drama wears me out! The problems of everyday highschool life are not ones that I care to concern myself with unless, of course, there is a serious problem and they need a big sister. That is something with which I can deal. Sometimes it is nice to feel needed.
To all of my friends in Pitt and spread abroad: I miss you and love you. I appreciate your friendship and look forward to the time I will see you next.

God, please help with my attitude. I know that it needs adjusted, but am having a hard time of it myself. Please help me be able to focus on You and be looking for every opportunity to make the best of each day. I'm sorry for my discontentment and want to learn to have peace and joy WHEREVER I may be. Thank You for Your grace and mercy. Thank You for my son, who is a joy and the best reason to get out of bed every day. You are amazing, God, and I know that You have a reason for where I am. Help me to accomplish all You have planned while we are here, no matter how long that is. I need Your help, Lord. My strength is insufficient, but I know that You are more than enough for me...

"Random... I know..."

I've thought many a time about writing about life, whether on paper or on my computer somehow, and with everything that has been going on, I decided now is as good a time as any. So... here goes...
To those of you (if there are any) crazy enough to actually read this: I apologize in advance for the random and, more than likely, distraught thoughts I am about to take from thoughts and put to words...
My son, Donovan, just turned 2 on Sunday, September 6th. Saturday night as I tucked him in for bed, I found myself looking down at his tired little face and wondering where the time went in such a hurry. I leaned over the side of his bed, stroked his hair and his face, and told him, as I do every night when I tuck him in, that I love him more than anything else in this whole world and that he is, by far, my most favorite person. He did his usual smile with his confident "Yeah" and pulled his favorite blanket up to his chin and closed his eyes, completely at peace knowing that he is loved and means more to his mommy than anyone else in the whole world. As I walked out of the room, I wiped away the tears I found making a trail down my face and begged God to let me figure out how to obtain that same level of peace and contentment in knowing how loved I am by Him. I know I make it so complex and, even in knowing that, I can't seem to figure out how to simplify it. Why is it so hard to be completely sure of God's love? As I read the Bible and hear others talk about God's love, it SEEMS so simple and yet, everyday I walk through life sure of my failures and disappointing God and others around me and UNsure of God's love in spite of those things. How do I change that? How do I walk in confidence of God's unconditional love instead of laden with the guilt and shame of my failings and short-comings? Looking at my son and seeing his peace, I guess to some extent I can understand unconditional love, because I know that, absolutely no matter what Donovan does that day, I will ALWAYS love him and there is nothing he will do in his lifetime to change that, but my screw-ups seem so much more harsh and unforgivable in comparison to whatever Donovan may have done that day to earn a spanking or a time-out or reprimand... How does one get to the place of living simply in the grace and love of God that is being poured out by God Himself each and every day? How does one learn to live not under the shame and guilt of faults, but under His mercy?

Ah, Heavenly Father, I thank You so much for my son, Donovan. He has been an incredible blessing and a reminder of Your goodness every day. I also thank You for Your Son and for the blood that He poured out to make the way for us to be able to have You.
I find my mind always at war, Lord, trying to sift through life and all it throws at me. I can see so clearly the mistakes made throughout the day and it's so easy to be blinded and discouraged by those things. But I don't want to live under the guilt and shame of those mistakes. Teach me to walk with confidence in Your love and Your unfailing grace, God. In my HEAD it's so easy to know that You love me and there's nothing I could ever do to change that, but it seems impossible to convince my heart of those things. I think that, if I learned to function and move and breathe and think out of truly knowing You and Your love for me, I could probably change the world... Please redeem lost time and help me to look hopefully and confidently to the future.