"Come to Me All Who are Weary and Heavy-Laden..."

"And I will give You rest..." (Matthew 11:28)God knows I need it!

What a week! Before I get into that, let me just tell you that the week PRIOR TO this one, was rough. I was feeling VERY panicky. Money runs out quickly. School was still undecided. I didn't know what I needed to BE DOING. My case manager about my grant for school wasn't calling or emailing me back... PANIC. I fought hard against it, but it was quickly taking over... But then a STILL, small voice broke through the thunder and chaos. I felt an inclination to re-read my journal. And in it I found notes I had taken while reading a book called "Traveling Light". It was a breakdown of the 23rd Psalm and in the book it talks about "letting go of the burdens we were never intended to carry"... and it goes through a list of burdens (or luggage) that we collect and pick up throughout life's journey. One of the lines that stuck out to me (again) is," Counselors can comfort you IN the storm, but you need a God who can STILL the storm- You need Yahweh." Through this incredibly difficult time in my life, my friends and family have stepped up and been AMAZING. I have often found myself astounded by the people with which God has surrounded me. But they are not enough. Only God is enough. I believe God put in us a need for each other, but I think it is important to realize that it is ONLY God who is able to satisfy us COMPLETELY and who can take care of EVERY need. Another thing I wrote down that helped me take a deep breath and accept the peace that God was extending me is this:" Change your focus and relax. Slow down and God will heal you. He will bring rest to your mind, to your body, and most of all, your soul. He will lead you to green pastures." And also, " In a world rocky with human failure, there is a land lush with Divine Mercy. The Shepherd invites us there. He wants you to lie down, to nestle deeply until you are hidden, buried in the tall shoots of His love... and there you will find rest." After re-reading things like that, it 1) made me happy that I took the time to write a lot of that stuff down and 2) helped me shift my focus. Because here's the deal, this situation that I am in the middle of... It's already figured out. Not by ME right this second, but it IS figured out. God has it figured out. He knows how it's going to turn out. There is no uncertainty for Him. He knows. He's in control. And I can rest in that. I can rest in His promise that His plans for me are "...for welfare and NOT for calamity to give you a future and a hope..." (Jeremiah 29:11).

So moving on to THIS week... I had an interview that went well for a job at Starbucks. I was able to obtain peace about school and get some direction as far as what I could DO to get the ball rolling. My case manager for my grant for school was able to get a hold of me (turns out she was calling me back at a wrong number). Things were accomplished and not hopeless after all... Funny how things do tend to work out, huh? I know I will feel EVEN BETTER when I actually know whether or not I get the job at Starbucks, when I start school, when my grant has gone through for school, etc... BUT for now, I will wait patiently for the Lord, and He will continue to renew my strength and grant me peace.

Father God, I rest in You. I give You my future... Please help me to trust You. You have never once failed me, and I know You're not going to start now. I know Your faithfulness. I know Your mercy. I know Your compassion. Thank You for these things. I choose to trust in You. I choose rest...

"My Gift"

Today, Donovan and I went to Salina to hang out and get out of the house and enjoy the beautiful day. I love spending time with him like that. He makes me so very proud to be his mom. He is very polite and well-behaved. He was sure to say "please" and "thank you" when necessary and when told "no" didn't throw fits or pout. Maybe that seems trivial, but when you work with the public, you see a number of flat-out BRATS. Kids who scream, cry, kick, throw themselves on the floor, grab at everything in sight, etc., etc... So, it makes me VERY thankful for my son, who does not do those things. And, that doesn't mean he NEVER pouts when told "no", but his reaction is quite mild in comparison. He is an amazing kid. Always has been. Even on the night he was born, he let out the smallest little squeak and that was it. The doctor and nurses were even a bit concerned because he didn't really CRY when he was out. He was just content. He was wide-awake and looking around and seemed as though he was just taking it all in and in wonder of this new, strange world into which he'd been born. He was the most beautiful thing in my world. Still is. When all is dark and cloudy, when the sun seems as if it may NEVER break through the clouds... My son is my one ray of sunshine. I know he is my gift from God. God knew I needed him and knew I would continue to need him. Sometimes you just need that ONE reason to get out of bed and keep going. Donovan has been mine. To some, that may seem a bit, extreme. To others, you know exactly what I mean. There are times when Donovan comes and launches himself into my arms, wraps his little arms around my neck, squeezes as hard as he possibly can, and tells me with enthusiasm, "I LOVE you, Mommy!". Throughout the day today, he kept telling me," I sure love you, Mommy". And, in those moments, the sunshine I am so desperate for breaks through the clouds... In those moments, the storm that rages within is calmed... Even if only for THAT moment. I can breathe again. I can catch my breath again. I can FEEL again.
Every day I pray for my son. I pray peace. I pray protection of his mind and heart. I beg God to keep his spirit at calm. I beg God to let his innocence remain. I beg God not to let my son be crushed in this time of battle. I beg God not to let the chaos of MY life destroy him. OH! How I beg God to not let my son be destroyed!!! Don't let my sins and the sins of his father pass to him! Protect his innocent heart! Protect his mind! Protect his spirit! Plug his ears to the perversion he hears! Somehow, someway, let only the good things he sees and hears remain. Please, God, let the bad pass him by. Let him always be resilient to whatever is going on around him that isn't of You. Please, God... Be ever near him. Even at this young age, let him know Your voice. Your touch. Your presence. Your comfort. Your peace. Please... God...

Psalm 34

1) " I will bless the Lord at all times. His praise shall continually be in my mouth. 2) My soul shall make its boast in the Lord. The humble shall hear it and rejoice. 3) Oh magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt His name together. 4) I sought the Lord and He answered me, and delivered me from all my fears. 5) They looked to Him and were radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed. 6) This poor man cried and the Lord heard him, and saved him out of all his troubles. 7) The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear Him, and rescues them. 8) Oh taste and see that the Lord is good. How blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him! 9) Oh fear the Lord, you His saints; for to those who fear Him, there is no want. 10) The young lions do lack and suffer hunger, but they who seek the Lord shall not be in want of any good thing. 11) Come, you children, listen to me! I will teach you the fear of the Lord. 12) Who is the man who desires life, and loves length of days that he may see good? 13) Keep your tongue from evil, and your lips from speaking deceit. 14) Depart from evil, and do good. Seek peace, and pursue it. 15) The eyes of the Lord are toward the righteous, and His ears are open to their cry. 16) The face of the Lord is against evildoers, to cut off the memory of them from the earth. 17) The righteous cry and the Lord hears, and delivers them out of their troubles. 18) The Lord is near to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit. 19) Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. 20) He keeps all his bones. Not one of them is broken. 21) Evil shall slay the wicked, and those who hate the righteous will be condemned. 22) The Lord redeems the soul of His servants, and none of those who take refuge in Him will be condemned." (NASB version)

"When I Remember" by Blindside

"That boy is gone.
Sometimes I miss the way he wept at night.
To be still and not run...
To be rocked to sleep in Your light...
These days there is not much that will bring tears to my eyes, but when I remember who I am and who You are...
When I remember...
A cloud moves in, rain falls, thunder strikes, and sunshine breaks through the clouds.

I am walking blind.
I'm so distracted that I don't even feel when You hold me.
When did I grow such a thick skin?
You are my Sunshine and Rain, my Joy, and Sweet Pain.
I'm a spotless stain.
That boy is gone, but nobody moves me like You do...
When I remember...
A cloud moves in, rain falls, thunder strikes, and sunshine breaks through the clouds.
I can cry out of sorrow and joy, every drop of rain turns into crystal in the sun...

So wash my eyes, my clothes, my skin, my bones, my soul, my feet, my love...
I'm not forgotten.
I'm in Your thoughts 'cause I feel sunshine in the rain...
To this day, nobody moves me like You do..."

"How Do You Know? (and several other unanswered questions)"

How do you know when it's time to call enough enough? How do you know when one detriment can possibly avoid another? How do you know when to let go and when to hold on tighter? How do you know when it's time to move on? How do you know what to say in a painful and difficult situation? How do you know when you are holding on too tight or not tight enough? How do you know when it's ok to call it "quits"? How do you know when it's time to realize a situation isn't, in fact, going to be resolved and it's time to move on from it? How do you know when fighting for something has become pointless instead of purposeful? How do you know when you aren't quitting, but instead simply accepting the inevitable and trying to plan for the future? How do you move on when all that you feel is fear and trepidation? How do you move on when everything on the inside of you wants to die and not face another day? How do you know God isn't angry with you and doesn't hate you? How do you know He'll forgive a seemingly un-forgivable situation? How do you know that you haven't fallen too far to be recovered? How do you know you haven't fallen so far from grace that God WON'T stretch out His hand and rescue you? What if you've fallen too far? What if the road you've taken has taken you out of reach? What if you've found yourself too far gone to find your way back? How do you know if God's hand of mercy will be extended to you? How do you know if choosing to trust now will be worth it for the tomorrows? How do you know if you can make it? How do you it will all be ok?

"Mmmm... The Rain"

I love the rain. Not particularly when it is 20 degrees outside, but when it is a nice spring or summer rain and it is 60+ degrees while it is raining... Mmmmm... Yeah... Some of my favorite times. I'm sure it's because I have so many good memories from playing in the rain when I was younger. I honestly didn't retain a lot of my childhood memories for one reason or another, but most of the ones I did manage to keep hold of are of times in the rain. In Wichita, we lived on Custer Street, which happened to be a dead-end street, and when it rained, it ALWAYS flooded. No matter how much or how little it rained, it flooded. And we loved it. In fact, I think there were times when all of the kids from our entire block would go play in the floodwater. Wild and free. In Arma, us silly girls would wash our hair in the rain(that would be thanks to those ridiculous Herbal Essence's commercials). We would take pitchers with us and fill them up with the rainwater rushing off the roof of the house and poor the, oftentimes frigid, water on our heads to rinse the shampoo out... Wow, that is silly! Come on, we were a bunch of girls, what do you expect? :) I remember countless times of running around and jumping in ginormous puddles and just feeling carefree. Though I also remember that there were those times, when I would just sit and let the rain run over me, and I would sit unmoving while I prayed and let my tears mingle with the raindrops on my face. There were times when the rain was my soothing balm. There were times when I felt God wept with me, and there were times I could swear I felt a warm breath on my cheek. Do you think God does that- weeps with us? Even though He knows everything will be ok? Do you think He weeps when our hearts are in turmoil and we ache so much it feels like our hearts may actually break? Do you think He weeps with us when, after a long run of trying to get out of reach of His hand (which isn't possible, by the way), we finally cease striving and surrender to His embrace?

Ah, Father... Thank You for the rain today. Thank You that there are seasons, and that spring is on its way. It has been a very long winter, both physically and emotionally, and I feel exhausted and numb. I am so ready for warmth and sunshine. I thank You that with the spring comes a renewal of life. You ARE faithful, and I am so thankful for that.

"Ugh..."

This whole week Donovan and I have been dealing with sinus crap. My sinus issues are stemming from yet another sinus infection and I think his are stemming from cutting his 2-year molars. No fun for either of us. Needless to say, we have also both been exceptionally tired as evidenced by our 4 1/2 hour naps yesterday. Yes. 4 1/2 hours. Both of us. His nap happened because he is just flat-out exhausted. Cutting teeth is hard work and, add a cough and runny nose on top of it and, well, you get the point. He's miserable... and whiney. And I feel bad for him, but find myself running short on patience at the incessant whining... Just pray that we both start feeling better ASAP.

Why is it when you are feeling crappy one way, all other ways to feel crappy surface too? Is feeling miserable physically not enough? I need to feel miserable emotionally and spiritually as well? Kind of a "kick you while you're down" situation? If it's a tactic of the Enemy, it's a good one. If it's God just testing me and what-not, I hope I pass quickly or get help real quick because I feel like quitting.

Jesus, I need Your help. I am feeling lonely and worn out. Please intervene. Quickly. Please heal my son and relieve his pain. Please give me the patience he needs from me. Show up quickly, God. Please.